joke

Submitted by ites on July 29, 2013

Why did the Leninist cross the road?

Because the central committee told him that walking on the footpath was a syndicalist deviation.

Noah Fence

10 years 8 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by Noah Fence on July 29, 2013

Posted this on another thread previously but can't resist posting again:

A libcom is locked in a room with Hitler, Mussolini and a liberal. He has a gun but only 2 bullets. What does he do?

Shoots the liberal twice to make sure he's good and dead!

ultraviolet

10 years 8 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by ultraviolet on July 31, 2013

Q: Why don't barbers ever join the Wobblies?

(I don't know, why don't barbers ever join the Wobblies?)

A: Because they heard they had to choose between Socialism or Barberism.

Chilli Sauce

10 years 8 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by Chilli Sauce on July 31, 2013

That's great Ultraviolet.

There's some good ones here:

http://libcom.org/forums/general/anarchist-dad-jokes-12122012

There also used to be a really good, really long epic jokes thread from a few years back. But I've tried finding it a few times now, but no luck :(

Entdinglichung

10 years 8 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by Entdinglichung on July 31, 2013

Two Greek anarchists are making molotov cocktails. One says to the other: “So who will we throw these at then?” The other replies: “What are you, some kind of fucking intellectual?”

Noah Fence

10 years 8 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by Noah Fence on August 3, 2013

Two Greek anarchists are making molotov cocktails. One says to the other: “So who will we throw these at then?” The other replies: “What are you, some kind of fucking intellectual?”

Only 2 upticks?!!!

Fucking hilarious!

ultraviolet

10 years 8 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by ultraviolet on August 3, 2013

an anarchist, a trotskyist, and a maoist walk into a bar. they get drunk as fuck and argue.

an anarchist, an anarchist, and an anarchist walk into a bar for their meeting. they get drunk as fuck and argue.

ultraviolet

10 years 8 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by ultraviolet on August 3, 2013

funny but sad.

Entdinglichung

10 years 8 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by Entdinglichung on August 3, 2013

ultraviolet

an anarchist, a trotskyist, and a maoist walk into a bar. they get drunk as fuck and argue.

a maoist who gets drunk in public ... surely someone who is in the party but who takes the capitalist road

Chilli Sauce

10 years 8 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by Chilli Sauce on August 4, 2013

Why do Canadian anarchists like donuts?

Cause it's a circle, eh.

ultraviolet

10 years 7 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by ultraviolet on August 4, 2013

Q: What do you call lifestyle anarchists, anarcho-capitalists, and the like?

A: Shamarchists

Agent of the I…

10 years 7 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by Agent of the I… on August 4, 2013

What do you.................................................................oh man, I don't have any jokes. :(

Fleur

10 years 7 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by Fleur on August 4, 2013

(it's a really, really old one but my kid thinks it's very funny....so joke fit for an eleven year old.)

Why do anarchists use teabags?
Because all proper tea is theft.

Chilli Sauce

10 years 7 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by Chilli Sauce on August 4, 2013

Shoot! I wish I would have understood that joke at 11!

Fleur

10 years 7 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by Fleur on August 4, 2013

Chilli sauce wrote:

Shoot! I wish I would have understood that joke at 11!

the poor, unfortunate little sod has spent far too much time with me.

There's also this:

Why did Marx hear music every time he went to the toilet?
Is was on account of the violins inherent in the cistern.

Noah Fence

10 years 7 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by Noah Fence on August 4, 2013

Talking of kids, this isn't a joke but it is pretty funny. Last week I was discussing marriage with my daughter and her friend. When I put forward the argument that weddings are yet another vehicle that capitalism uses to fill it's boots my daughter said 'if you're so against capitalism why do you spend half your life on a capitalist website?' I replied it's a communist website, to which she responded 'is it?. Well, they both begin with c.'
Absolute proof that my kids metaphorically put their fingers in their ears whenever I open my gob!

Chilli Sauce

10 years 7 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by Chilli Sauce on August 5, 2013

fleurnoire-et-rouge

Chilli sauce wrote:

Shoot! I wish I would have understood that joke at 11!

the poor, unfortunate little sod has spent far too much time with me.

There's also this:

Why did Marx hear music every time he went to the toilet?
Is was on account of the violins inherent in the cistern.

Ah, I know a slightly different version:

Why did the anarchist plumber say?
Smash the cistern!

Chilli Sauce

10 years 7 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by Chilli Sauce on August 5, 2013

Webby

Talking of kids, this isn't a joke but it is pretty funny. Last week I was discussing marriage with my daughter and her friend. When I put forward the argument that weddings are yet another vehicle that capitalism uses to fill it's boots my daughter said 'if you're so against capitalism why do you spend half your life on a capitalist website?' I replied it's a communist website, to which she responded 'is it?. Well, they both begin with c.'
Absolute proof that my kids metaphorically put their fingers in their ears whenever I open my gob!

Ya know, one time my Dad saw me reading libcom and, horribly misunderstanding my politics, said something to effect of "See, libcom, they even have liberal in their name...."

Ah, the default American understanding of politics.

Chilli Sauce

10 years 7 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by Chilli Sauce on August 5, 2013

Stealing this from someone else on libcom from a while back, but...

You've really got to give it to the ICC, they've predicted 9 of the last 3 crises...

I just love the fact there's probably only a couple hundred people in the world who get that joke--and, let's be honest, the rest of the world is probably better off. In any case, who made the point on the other thread about humor being used to establish in-groupness?

Chilli Sauce

10 years 7 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by Chilli Sauce on August 5, 2013

I need to stop posting on this thread:

Dyslexics of the world, UNTIE!

EDIT: While I'm thinking about (and so I don't create another post), I was at the gym today and there's a trainer there who gives me free training in exchange for English practice.

Anyway, he had a little program prepared for me. Now, in English, we'd say to 'pre-exhaust' a muscle. However, he'd google-translated and here's how he explained it to me: "First you poop your chest..."

Agent of the I…

10 years 7 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by Agent of the I… on August 5, 2013

Um, I don't know where to put this, but I got into a debate (currently) with mutualists on Facebook. And I'm outnumbered! And whats amazing, they are like the previous mutualists we had on libcom.org. Their like, "well this famous dead white guy said this, and this famous dead white guy said that", in other words, "anarcho-communism is market socialism, seeeeeee!!!!!" And I'm like, "no, can't you see the differences between what those two dead white guys advocated? What's wrong with you? HHHHHaaaahhahhhah! Hulk SMASH!" And one of them looks like your stereotypical an-cap.

Agent of the I…

10 years 7 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by Agent of the I… on August 5, 2013

I recommended them to read Black Flame.

Ablokeimet

10 years 7 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by Ablokeimet on August 6, 2013

fleurnoire-et-rouge

(it's a really, really old one but my kid thinks it's very funny....so joke fit for an eleven year old.)

Why do anarchists use teabags?
Because all proper tea is theft.

The version I've been hearing in Australia for ages refers to herbal tea, not teabags. And I tell it myself to people I think haven't heard it.

Noah Fence

10 years 7 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by Noah Fence on August 6, 2013

What does an agnostic dyslexic insomniac do in bed at night?

Lays awake wondering if there is a dog!

ultraviolet

10 years 7 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by ultraviolet on August 7, 2013

Agent of the Fifth International

I got into a debate (currently) with mutualists on Facebook.

Agent of the Fifth International

I recommended them to read Black Flame.

Mutualists reading Black Flame? Best joke of the thread!

ultraviolet

10 years 7 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by ultraviolet on August 7, 2013

(ok, that was a bit mean. we all had bad politics once upon a time... anyone can change!)

Entdinglichung

10 years 7 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by Entdinglichung on August 8, 2013

technically not a joke but a real story, a comrade told me:

somewhere in the mid-1970ies, two students, both members of the "Gruppe Internationale Marxisten" (GIM, German section of the USFI back than) are talking about their flatmates: 1st GIM member: "my flatmates are a member of the DKP (pro-Soviet Union CP) and a member of the KBW (maoist), nice people but we also have sometimes heated political arguments" 2nd GIM member: that's nothing, my flatmates are all GIM members and we have heated political arguments all the time

ultraviolet

10 years 7 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by ultraviolet on August 8, 2013

Q: How many ICL members does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One to break the light bulb, and a whole team to write position papers on why the break was due to the historical conditions.

Entdinglichung

10 years 7 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by Entdinglichung on August 8, 2013

ultraviolet

Chilli Sauce

Stealing this from someone else on libcom from a while back, but...

You've really got to give it to the ICC, they've predicted 9 of the last 3 crises...

Q: How many ICC members does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One to break the light bulb, and a whole team to write position papers on why the break was due to the historical conditions.

changing a light bulb in the period of capitalist decadence ... that's not the task of the revolutionary milieu

ultraviolet

10 years 7 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by ultraviolet on August 8, 2013

oh shit, i mixed up the ICC and the ICL (that's the sparts and worker's vanguard crew)... going to go edit

Noah Fence

10 years 7 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by Noah Fence on August 8, 2013

NEWSFLASH!

Anarchists are thought to be responsible for stealing all of the toilets from New Scotland Yard
When asked if any progress had been made with the case a police spokesman said 'we currently have nothing to go on'.

Noah Fence

7 years 8 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by Noah Fence on July 17, 2016

BUMP!

Anyone that hasn't read this thread should get straight to it. There's some funny shit here. Here's a joke for the bump;

How many Dadaists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

To get to the other side.

Auld-bod

7 years 8 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by Auld-bod on July 17, 2016

This from my early childhood (told with a Glasgow accent):

“You want to know a dirty joke?”
“OK.”
“See Joke the coalman.”

Gulai Polye

7 years 8 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by Gulai Polye on July 17, 2016

A cop, a racist and a murder walks into a bar - And thats just the first guy

The Pigeon

7 years 8 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by The Pigeon on July 17, 2016

A stoned communist orders a pizza from a local pizzeria. When asked whether they would like thin or thick crust, the communist, inspired, answers, 'The proletarian is offered two equally empty but seemingly unique distinctions, as the proliferation of false choices extends into every aspect of class society, where the very idea of crust is itself a bourgeois construct, and the pizza is a false symbol of the equality of wealth distribution in capitalism, when in fact communism would not make the ceremonial pretense of slicing things up at all, but empowering humans to bake their own pizzas, in worker-run ovens.'

Khawaga

7 years 8 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by Khawaga on July 17, 2016

Acop, a racist and a murder walks into a bar - And thats just the first guy

That's hilarious! Retold it a few time already and it's a hit.

petey

7 years 8 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by petey on July 17, 2016

a left communist, a trade union official, and an anarchist walk into a bar. over a few pints they discuss how workers can best face the attacks of capitalism. they shake hands as they leave, and go home.

Noah Fence

7 years 8 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by Noah Fence on July 17, 2016

They don't have to be political...

A duck walks into a bar and says I'll have a large whiskey please. The barman says ok, that will be £4.50 to which the dick replies 'OK, put it on my bill'.

cactus9

7 years 8 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by cactus9 on July 17, 2016

Noah Fence

They don't have to be political...

A duck walks into a bar and says I'll have a large whiskey please. The barman says ok, that will be £4.50 to which the dick replies 'OK, put it on my bill'.

Why the long face?

The Pigeon

7 years 8 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by The Pigeon on July 18, 2016

Noah Fence

They don't have to be political...

A duck walks into a bar and says I'll have a large whiskey please. The barman says ok, that will be £4.50 to which the dick replies 'OK, put it on my bill'.

A joke walks into a thread and says nothing's political, and a doorknob replies, 'Everything's cold to tickle'

Chilli Sauce

7 years 8 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by Chilli Sauce on July 18, 2016

Ya know, if Trump wins the election, they'll be hell toupee.

Entdinglichung

7 years 8 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by Entdinglichung on July 18, 2016

- "Doctor, doctor, I am suffering from diarrhoea. Can I have a bath with it?"
- "Yes, if you can fill the tub with it"

Noah Fence

7 years 8 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by Noah Fence on July 18, 2016

You'd better laugh at this, one finger phone text typing is some slow shit.

A carpenter is working in the Vatican. He's banging in some nails but misses and hammers his thumb. 'Fucking hell' he says, face contorted with pain. The pope, who happens to be walking past at the time says 'no no, my son, you must not speak prophanities in the house of God. Next time you hurt yourself, no matter how badly, say Jesus Christ almighty and the Lord will assist you.'
So a few days later the carpenter is cutting up wood with a power saw when he slips and cuts four fingers clean off. The fingers fall to the floor as the Chippy holds up his hand, stares at it and cries 'Jesus Christ Almighty!' As soon as he says it the fingers raise from the floor, float through the air and attach themselves to his hand without a trace of injury. The pope who is just walking by at the time, stops, sees what happens and declares 'fuuuucking hell!!!'

Red Marriott

7 years 8 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by Red Marriott on July 18, 2016

"Doctor, doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my arse."

"I'll give you some cream for that."

Noah Fence

7 years 8 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by Noah Fence on July 18, 2016

A vegan, tired of the same old food, tries eating some daffodil bulbs. Before long he becomes very ill and is rushed to hospital. His concerned friend visits the hospital and says to the doctor 'how serious is it, when will he be able to leave'. The doctor replies 'I'm afraid it's very serious, he won't be out till spring!'

Gulai Polye

7 years 8 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by Gulai Polye on July 25, 2016

So this is a joke i made myself. I hope its good.

A communist said to another communist "i have a dream, that one day we will share everything with each other".
The other communist then said "I had a dream too. I dreamed your dream".

:D - You understand it? He shared his dream

Entdinglichung

7 years 8 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by Entdinglichung on July 25, 2016

found at https://www.facebook.com/Karlremarks/?fref=nf

So several post-structuralists walk into a bar. It's impossible to articulate what happened to them individually in one coherent punchline.

Noah Fence

7 years 8 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by Noah Fence on July 25, 2016

I've tried to think of some vegan/bar jokes. These are my 2 best so far;

A vegan walks into a bar and says to the barkeep, 'are any of your beers vegan'? The bar keep says 'yes sir, all our beers are vegan, which one would you like'? The vegan replies, 'oh no, I don't want any of them, I don't drink alcohol actually.

A vegan walks into a bar, the bar tender says 'what would you like madam?', the vegan replies 'I'd like everyone to know I'm vegan'.

wojtek

7 years 8 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by wojtek on July 25, 2016

Me: What [assembly] line are you on today?

Polish lady: Auschwitz

So dark lol

The Pigeon

7 years 8 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by The Pigeon on July 25, 2016

A unibrowed lady owns a taco stand, called Unibrow Maria's Tacos. A man comes up and orders a couple tacos and asks for extra cheese. Maria asks him whether he'd like goat cheese or yogurt cheese. He thinks he'll have goat cheese, and he just begins to notice her unibrow. And then he asks if he can have it to go. When the tacos are done he takes them, dashes off, and runs into a nearby store where he consumes them very quickly. When he comes out he has some eyebrow prickers he has bought her and he says, here, take these. Maria looks at them and then at the man and says, 'you have got to be kidding me' and she tosses them in the garbage. The man walks sadly away, but before he leaves he gets another idea. 'I know! I'll write her up on yelp... people will come from all over... and then she'll have to up her standards.' So he gets on yelp and writes a fantastic review of the taco stand and he signs his name, 'Zorro, the Unibrow Vigilante'. Time passes and the customers begin to pour in. Hey, what's with Unibrow Maria? They begin to say. She sighs and tells her customers that this is the way that it has to be. She serves them tacos and they're all pretty good anyways. Life goes on and the tacos help make the day. But one day the man comes back, and he is very determined that day. He orders three fish tacos and he waits for them impatiently. Maria hands them over to him, when all of a sudden he takes her eyebrow by the middle and he rips it off with a piece of duct tape. 'By the way, your tacos are not the best, but they will soon be!' He says, as he takes the unibrow cleavage and throws it in the garbage. Unibrow Maria, however, can no longer sell her tacos if this is some kind of lie on her truck... so she packs up and now she goes to live with her Mother, in Sacramento... but her life as a taco truck lady, reminds her of the pain... and though she is busy raising her daughter, and getting her ready for school, she sighs because she is not making tacos... and the man, Zorro, the Vigilante, actually has a bad conscience on his heart. He looks up Maria in the Yellow Pages, and he promises to seek her out. He comes one day, seeing her daughter coming home frm school, and she has a unibrow from her, but very thin, but he recognizes it and speaks softly to her: 'Is your mother, is she in there?' The little child shakes her head yes, so sad and beautifully. Maria is sitting on the couch, drinking slowly, and Zorro interrupts her pitying, and announces he has come to make things right to you, Unibrow Maria, and he shaves off his mustache, and he gets down on his knees and he plasters it into a perfect shape from the old taco truck decal from which he saved, and he goes up to Maria and he lays it on her forehead right between where the red skin of her wound that she takes to the Manicure every week, and has it plucked in shame, lies , and he glues it back on to her and restores her Unibrow, and says, 'You must go now, return to where you truly belong' And Zorro cancels his yelp account, and moves to a small town on the beach, and Unibrow Maria opens up her taco truck once again, and her daughter is taken out of school to learn the trade, and pokes her beautiful little unibrow through the window to smile and hand people their delicious tacos which they eat with to give their lives a little more glee, for just a little while , while Maria's mustach unibrow arches and looks on happily, though it is kind of hot today and she has to clean up the grease in the oven which will take awhile so we should probably close early today honey.

The Pigeon

7 years 8 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by The Pigeon on July 25, 2016

I KNOW RIGHT? But I had to because my bus isn't coming for another hour. So here's a joke for you, What do you get when you mix a Republican and a vegan? I know a hot new place that opened up and they make really exclusive kale smoothies.

Auld-bod

7 years 8 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by Auld-bod on July 25, 2016

Wow!

Chilli Sauce

7 years 8 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by Chilli Sauce on July 25, 2016

Noah Fence

I've tried to think of some vegan/bar jokes. These are my 2 best so far;

A vegan walks into a bar and says to the barkeep, 'are any of your beers vegan'? The bar keep says 'yes sir, all our beers are vegan, which one would you like'? The vegan replies, 'oh no, I don't want any of them, I don't drink alcohol actually.

A vegan walks into a bar, the bar tender says 'what would you like madam?', the vegan replies 'I'd like everyone to know I'm vegan'.

How many straight edge vegans does it take to finish a 6-pack and a meat lover's pizza?
.
.
.
.
.
.
One. As long as none of their friends are around!

petey

7 years 8 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by petey on July 25, 2016

Daisy and Elsie are out in the field, chewin' the cud.
Daisy: "I got artificially inseminated this morning."
Elsie: "Get out!!"
Daily: "Hey it's true, no bull!"

guy walks in to a bar with his friend, a slab of asphalt.
"bartender, a pint for me and one for the road."

Noah Fence

7 years 8 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by Noah Fence on July 25, 2016

Pigeon - you utter bastard! I looked and my phone, saw your posted a joke and said to Mrs Fence, 'this guy writes some good shit, do you want me to tell you his joke. She gave a half hearted 'ok then' and I thought haha, this will convince that I don't waste my time by reading Libcom for half my waking hours. So I started and it went on and on and on and all the time I'm thinking this makes no sense, this will have a masterly punchline, but then, phut! Fuck all. 'Is that it', she says and swans out of the room looking at me as though I'm something she found on her shoe. You have thoroughly shafted me but revenge will be mine!

Noah Fence

7 years 8 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by Noah Fence on July 25, 2016

I take it that's a typo Chilli? You mean 'aren't around' I assume?

Anyway, up voted. Now come on, let's bust out the vegan jokes all night!

Red Marriott

7 years 8 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by Red Marriott on July 25, 2016

“Doctor, doctor, I just dunno what’s wrong with me but I feel really terrible.”

“All right, go and undress and lie down on the couch.”

Patient undresses and lies down.

Doctor looks him up and down and says “Hmm... you know, you’re going to have to stop masturbating.”

“Oh ... why’s that, Doctor?”

“Well, I’m trying to examine you.”

Noah Fence

7 years 8 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by Noah Fence on July 25, 2016

Shit, can't think of any vegan ones.
How about this one, a whole joke in two words and it's all puncline;

'Pretentious? Moi?'

The Pigeon

7 years 8 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by The Pigeon on July 25, 2016

Noah Fence

Pigeon - you utter bastard! I looked and my phone, saw your posted a joke and said to Mrs Fence, 'this guy writes some good shit, do you want me to tell you his joke. She gave a half hearted 'ok then' and I thought haha, this will convince that I don't waste my time by reading Libcom for half my waking hours. So I started and it went on and on and on and all the time I'm thinking this makes no sense, this will have a masterly punchline, but then, phut! Fuck all. 'Is that it', she says and swans out of the room looking at me as though I'm something she found on her shoe. You have thoroughly shafted me but revenge will be mine!

Ha, my apologies my friend! The joke is that it's not a joke, so according to logic it's still a joke.

What do you call a vegan reuben sandwich?
Salad gone arye.

Chilli Sauce

7 years 8 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by Chilli Sauce on July 25, 2016

Noah Fence

I take it that's a typo Chilli? You mean 'aren't around' I assume?

Double negative, my friend ;-)

Noah Fence

7 years 8 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by Noah Fence on July 25, 2016

A posh lady is in a wine bar when she hears someone playing the piano. What beautiful music, she thinks and goes to find the pianist. When he has finished his number she says to him 'what fantastic music, I'm having a dinner party on Saturday for some VIP guests, if you come to my house and play I'll give you £500.'
'Great', he says 'I'll do it'.
She gives him her address and then says, 'by the way' what was that piece?' 'Oh, just something I wrote myself, I call it jerk off in the toilet and cum all over the seat'.
'What?', she says, 'you can't call something that beautiful a horrible vulgar name like that.'
'I wrote it, I'll call it what I like.'
'Well, don't be late, it's very important that you are playing as the guests arrive.'

So Saturday arrives and she leads him to the piano 5 minutes before the party is due to start. He starts playing and it sounds horrible, all out of tune and time. 'What's going on' she says, why are you playing so badly?'
He replies 'I'm sorry but when I'm sexually frustrated I just can't play in tune, I'll have to go to the bathroom and quickly knock one out'
'Oh god, you're unbelievable, just hurry up, my guests will be hear any minute'
So he runs off, does the business and without even bothering to clean up or zip up his trousers he runs back to the piano and starts playing perfectly, just in time.
Soon the guests arrive and a posh chap hears it and thinks, how lovely, then goes to find the pianist. He sees the state he's in and says to him, 'I say, do you know your cocks hanging out and there's spunk all over the carpet?'.
'Know it?', says the pianist, I fucking wrote it!'

Noah Fence

7 years 8 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by Noah Fence on July 25, 2016

Chilli Sauce

Noah Fence

I take it that's a typo Chilli? You mean 'aren't around' I assume?

Double negative, my friend ;-)

That's the trouble with you lefties, too fucking negative.

Noah Fence

7 years 8 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by Noah Fence on July 25, 2016

How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Who gives a fuck so long as they electrocute themselves.

Noah Fence

7 years 8 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by Noah Fence on July 25, 2016

How many meat eaters does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they prefer to stay in the dark.

Holy shit, I'm on a roll now! They may not be very good but they sure are plentiful.

Entdinglichung

7 years 8 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by Entdinglichung on July 26, 2016

How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to change it, and the other to hold the penis. ... LADDER. I MEANT LADDER!

Gulai Polye

7 years 8 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by Gulai Polye on July 26, 2016

How many social democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to change it, and the other to make sure no one else is going to do it

Gulai Polye

7 years 8 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by Gulai Polye on July 26, 2016

Or i could make it like this:
How many social democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?

Its never gonna happen, the social democrats rather wanna spend their energy on convincing people that the dark is not that bad ad they should just accept it

Entdinglichung

7 years 8 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by Entdinglichung on July 26, 2016

How does a social democrat changes a lightbulb?

First asking the liberal and a christian democrat next door if he's allowed to change it during the next ten years, when their answer is no, he'll blame it on left radicals and continues waiting, when they say yes, he'll continues waiting.

Noah Fence

7 years 8 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by Noah Fence on July 26, 2016

Famous people on the toilet

No1: Neville Chamberlain

'I hold in my hand a piece of paper'

Noah Fence

7 years 8 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by Noah Fence on July 26, 2016

Patient - Doctor doctor, I have 2 cocks and the one on the left is rather sore coz I keep wanking it so much.

Doctor - pull the other one!

Chancy Gardener

7 years 8 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by Chancy Gardener on July 28, 2016

How many Hegelians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Answer:
The supercession of the contradiction between the determinist thesis and the voluntarist antithesis entails a dialectical synthesis of the essential social relation involving a fundamental transformation of the lightbulb and the lightbulb changer being transformed by the lightbulb itself within the historical specificity of the light socket.

How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a lightbulb?

Answer:
Just one. But it takes about 15 years and the lightbulb has to want to change.

How many anarchists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Answer:
It depends. The anarcho-syndicalists form a union to demand self-management of lightbulb changing and build their union so as to be able to be strong enough to call for a General Strike in order to change the lightbulb. The anarcho-individualist pushes everyone else aside and tries to change it him/herself but ends up having the chair pulled out from under his feet by another anarcho-individualist, who tries the same thing but is also defeated in his/her attempt by another anarcho-individualist, and so on ad infinitum. The anarcho-liberal believes that changing the lightbulb is made by slowly picking up the chair, then putting it down again, then picking it up again, then moving it slightly closer to the spot under the lightbulb, then finally deciding it can't be changed during his lifteime. The anarcho-insurrectionist just jumps up and wrenches the lightbulb out of its socket and fuses the whole building.

How many LibCommers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Answer:
It doesn't matter how many LibCommers there are, they can never change the lightbulb - the lightbulb changes them.

jef costello

7 years 8 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by jef costello on July 28, 2016

How many communists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, just hold it steady and when the working class realise they're in the dark they'll be a revolution.

Gulai Polye

7 years 8 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by Gulai Polye on July 28, 2016

Chancy Gardener

The anarcho-liberal believes that

I dont think thats a thing

The Pigeon

7 years 8 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by The Pigeon on July 28, 2016

That's what the co-op wants you to believe

Gulai Polye

7 years 8 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by Gulai Polye on August 1, 2016

What will a hippy do after all the color additives in our food has been banned?
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Begin to take magic mushrooms (Psilocybin)

Gulai Polye

7 years 7 months ago

In reply to by libcom.org

Submitted by Gulai Polye on August 4, 2016

Why were the demands of the workers and peasants only food and water?

- Because the bourgeoisie were not to have any of it