Samantha Mumba? Goldman? Ew. I used to work as a kp in my youth and loads of the nigerian chaps I worked with claimed to have shagged her (mumba, not goldman). That was before time machine mind..
Viz letters page
magnifico wrote:
are we supposed to give our own order on girls aloud? that's one of the hardest questions i can think of
I think it would be foolish to put an order on them anyways. A five way is what you should push for, I say five way because Nicola wouldn't be allowed join in.
I like Nicola, I hate how everyone's mean about her, the fittest girl at my school was a ginge and I would definitely include Nicola in any Girls Aloud group sex session I was involved in organising for myself, she's lovely.
I'm sure she would be greatly relieved to know that as well
Viz comic's readers letters, always good for a laugh.
Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just
like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's
minge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?
P Lorimer, Leeds
I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can
testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo. Neil
Palmer
AM I the only person who hasn't banged Kate Moss?
Everyday the papers are full of stories from blokes claiming to have
banged her. It's something I'm quite keen on doing and I was just
wondering if there is some sort of queuing system in place.
Bill McClean, e-mail
HOW come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million
selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's
football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law
forthe rich and another for the poor.
Reg Ashcroft, Bradford
One that I use at every available opportunity ie whenever I'm in a bus or a car with other people going over speed bumps -
"These so called 'speed bumps' are an absolute farce! If anything they make you go slower!"
Works best if said as loudly and indignantly and with as straight a face as possible
These politically correct bonfire nights have gone too far. It used to be penny for the guy when I was young. These days it's probably penny for the gay.
Richard Littlejohn, Wapping
Following the death of Bernard Manning, the PC brigade have come out of the woodwork to call the man a racist. For my money, all he ever did was try to make people laugh. And if you can't spend forty years heaping poisonous, four letter abuse on members of ethnic minorities without being labelled a racist, it's a sorry state of affairs.
Austin Cambridge, Oxford
Last week I attended an AA meeting, and to my horror, each person present stood up and openly admitted to being an alcoholic. I'm not having these boastful drunkards repairing my car. I can only hope the RAC have more responsible employees.
Hugie Dixon, West Drayton
Londoner Charles Nylon has this reflection to offer concerning the nature of terrorism:
These suicide bombers really get my goat. What an evil way to kill innocent people, running screaming into a crowded place like madmen, blowing themselves and everyone else to bits. Whatever happened to good old-fashioned gentlemen terrorists like the IRA, who’d quietly pop a nail bomb under a pub table and leave without making a song and dance about it.
But Bamber Ross of Ross ripostes:
Mr Nylon (above letter) does not know what he is talking about. Gentlemen terrorists, indeed. When you get stang off a wasp, it just flies off to sting again and again in the style of the IRA bombers that Mr Nylon so admires. However, when a bee stings, it pulls its arse inside out and, like a suicide bomber, dies. And I think we’ all agree that bees are much nicer than wasps.
But Prof. J. Shiels of the Dept of Entomology, Maudling College, Oxford, rejects this bee/wasp metaphor in no uncertain terms:
I’m afraid Mr Ross’s insect/terrorist analogy (above letter) doesn’t hold water. The reason that we agree that bees are nicer than wasps is nothing at all to do with their stringing ability. It is because bees are furry, like little black and orange flying teddy bears that make jam. Wasps on the other hand are all hard and have them Darth Vader faces. And they chase you when you run off.
With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the twat quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them. Shuggie, Email
Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour. Chris Scaife, Jesmond
Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars. T Barnham, London
ok i'll stop now lol
Keep em coming I say!
I learned with interest this week that the term 'inflammable' does not in fact mean that something is not flammable. The word does not follow the same negative rule as other words prefixed 'in', such as inaudible, insatiable, indiscreet, etc. I also burnt my arse cheeks quite badly.
C. Drakeman, London
How ridiculous of NASA spending billions of pounds to come up with the non-stick frying pan. In the weightlessness of space, the astronauts' sausages are just going to float right out of the pan. If anything, they should have been developing something to make them stick.
J Boxbury, Norfolk
My great Uncle Ernest was born in 1899, and he had all his own teeth until the day he died. This isn't as impressive as it might at first seem, however, as he was killed on the Somme on his sixteenth birthday.
Mrs Mildred Collis, Nottingham
I knitted a jumper for my husband this Christmas, but I couldn't shake off a nagging feeling that I'd gone wrong somewhere. I was sure it was the right size and his favourite colour. I realised my mistake when I came to give it him his gift on Christmas Day - I suddenly remembered that he died in 1973.
Dolly Churchill, London
I am in the process of buying a car and have narrowed my choice down to two. But I don't know whether to buy the one that floats away on balloons or the one that's made of cake. I think I prefer the one made of cake, but I'd like the security of knowing that the ad had won an award before making such a big commitment.
Brian Fester
An elderly aunty of mine phoned me recently to say she would like to introduce me to her new 'gentleman friend'. Imagine my surprise when he turned out to be none other that Dr Josef Mengele, the infamous Auschwitz Dr Death. Well, I had to be civil to him for her sake, but I couldn't say I was pleased about it.
P Kaleidoscope
I read with interest that the RAF have decided to replace the nude paintings of popular tit models like Lucy Pinder and Michelle Marsh on the side of their bombers with plain silhouettes for fear of offending the thousands of Muslims they are currently bombing the shit out of. I wholeheartedly applaud this display of sensitivity to another culture.
Peter Roeth
and don't get me on to the top tips
fuck me lol
If the failed 21/7 bombers had just waited three more days, we'd all be calling them the 24/7 bombers. This would imply that they blow things up all day every day and, despite their actual lack of success, make them at least sound like they were good at bombing.
Christina Martin, London
DEVOUT Catholics. If the Lord has not yet made Himself visible, perhaps you are looking in the wrong place. Try paying more attention to the flaking paint on your walls, the rust on your frying pan or the mouldy stains on your carpet as these are the sort of places where He usually turns up.
Jon Sangham, West Ho
FEEL a bit like God for the day by making some little people out of plasticine, and then judging them harshly.
Hector Plywood, Devizes
Tony Blair took us into an illegal war on the misconception that Iraq had acquired weapons of mass destruction. The number of troops killed has reached over a hundred, and the number of Iraqi civillions killed does not bear thinking about. Even today with the war officially over, soldiers and civilians are being killed on a daily basis by insurgents. A lifelong, Labour voter, I vowed never to vote for Tony Blair or the governments he represents ever again after his scandal-ridden premiership. But when he did that 'am I bovvered' sketch with Catherine Tait on Comic Relief night, I screamed with laughter. Well done, Tony, you've got my vote back.
Frank Mint, Tynedale
Jack reminded me of this from the Viz letters page that a comrade cut-out to show me:
"On the offchance that the wife is out and Samantha Mumba comes round demanding a portion, the order would be; arse, gob, arse, and if I've any left, arse again"
He suggested Emma Goldman be substituted but yis wouldn't be able to suspend disbelief long enough for it to be funny - she was kinda mingin
No real point for posting this to be honest.