Are you a real revolutionary or another parasite?

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Wayne
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Sep 1 2004 15:15
Are you a real revolutionary or another parasite?

Having been involved with anarchism for some years now, it has come to my attention that we are getting nowhere. We have failed to install class-consciousness in the working class. Our ideas remain alien to proletarian workplaces, housing schemes and football stadiums (except Celtic Park where there are some fine revolutionaries). I think one of the main reasons for our marginalisation is that too many anarchists are middle class wankers, little rich kids or underclass wasters. Too many anarchists do not know how to relate to the working class because they do not understand their culture. It’s time that we sort out the real proletarian comrades from all the parasites that fuck up our movement. So I’ve devised this test to establish who is actually any use as a revolutionary. This is very serious and I hope that those who fail will put the movement first and have the decency to resign from anarchist politics. Good luck!

Part 1 – Personal information...

Q- When you were a kid, where did you go on holiday?

A- Butlins Wonderwest World

B- Blackpool

C- Camping in the Lake District

D- Tuscany

Q- Who did you support in Big Brother?

A- Bailiffs chored your telly back in March.

B- Definitely that Michelle, she was always getting her paps out.

C- You don’t have a television but you think it was great that Nadia won. It was a real blow for popular acceptance of marginalised minorities.

D- You were watching a documentary on the Discovery Channel because Anthony had a geography assignment on volcanoes.

Q- Your dream date would involve...

A- Shagging Cat from Eastenders in the home dug out at Ibrox.

B- A few pints down the local with Gail Porter.

C- Drinking herbal tea with Tracy Emin and two lesbian friends.

D- Overthrowing the government in Equatorial Guinea.

Q- What do you do when you’re feeling unwell?

A- Scram tae big Malky’s fae a ten score tae jag, then straight doon the clap tae check oot if ye’ve goat the AIDS ken?

B- Alka-seltzers and a big fry normally put you right but failing that it’s hair of the dog with the lads from work.

C- You’re interested in alternative therapies, especially herbal remedies and crystal healing. If that doesn’t work you would contact a Reiki practitioner through LETS.

D- Make use of that bloody BUPA thing you forked out for.

Q- What car do you drive?

A- One without an alarm.

B- Your brother in law does the deliveries so you borrow his white van now and again.

C- You’re too environmentally conscious to drive. It’s time to Reclaim The Streets from car culture. You haven’t driven since before Twyford Down.

D- You don’t drive! You have a little Asian man to do that for you.

Part 2 – Word association...

Q- ‘Respect’ is...

A- Something you say to yo homeys when they’ve popped a cap in some punk’s ass.

B- The chorus to a song your missus dances to after she’s had too many Bacardi Breezers in Yate’s Wine Lodge.

C- A fundamental for meaningful and non-exploitative relationships with humans, non-human animals and mother earth.

D- A Trotskyist front group you secretly bankroll as a tax scam.

Q- ‘Semi’ refers to...

A- The legitimacy of your ‘business’.

B- Something blokes get when they read ‘Nuts’ magazine.

C- A phase of the moon.

D- Poor people’s houses.

Q- The silver spoon is...

A- That pub in Harlseden where T-Lay sold you the sawn off shotgun that never worked right.

B- The type of sugar you put in your cha when yous knock off for a tea break at the factory.

C- An essential piece of equipment for an ancient herbal remedy to syphilis.

D- Still stuck in your mouth.

Q- ‘Peace’ is...

A- Something you is carrying dat you bought off T-Lay.

B- Something the wife packs for you to have with your cha at the factory.

C- Something that needs to be given a chance.

D- Sometimes beneficial to investment.

Q- Bakunin is...

A- That cheap vodka they sell at the Hamilton.

B- Er... The tall lass from the Russian volleyball team?

C- An aristocratic nineteenth century theorist and revolutionary whose politics were needlessly violent, anti-Semitic and misogynist.

D- Your great, great grandfather.

How did you score?

Mostly A’s? You sub-proletarian lumpen pauper. How the fuck are you going to help us seize control of the means of production? Anti-social bastard, the IWCA will be calling soon...

Mostly B’s? Congratulations! You are a true proletarian! You understand working class culture, you are the most revolutionary section of the working class! Your prize? Discount membership to the Class War Federation and free subscription to their paper as well as a years supply of Tetley, a Ken Loach box set and a cloth cap in your football team’s colours. Well done comrade!

Mostly C’s? You middle class life-stylist piece of shit! When the revolution comes we’ll hang you from a lamppost by your dreadlocks. You’re an affront to proletarian decency you decadent sandal wearing, pot smoking hippy fucking liberal fuck!

Mostly D’s? Ah Revol, Revol. It’s all coming out now isn’t it son? Still, it’s good of you to fund all those social centres...

yes
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Sep 1 2004 15:48

Don't feed the troll!

Wayne
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Sep 1 2004 15:52
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Don't feed the troll!

Any chance of a cup of cha at least?

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Steven.
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Sep 1 2004 17:04

That post is the best thing since the socialisation of industry in Catalonia eek eek

Man can we put that in Freedom?

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Steven.
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Sep 1 2004 17:13

I hear you couldn't even fit it in your (obviously capacious) mouth eek

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Steven.
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Sep 1 2004 17:20

bada-boom, tsch!

edited to add I know someone who can't fit his left bollock into a pint glass.

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Ramona
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Sep 1 2004 17:29

You're fucking kidding???!!!

*ahem did i just say that? Goes back and lurks

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Steven.
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Sep 1 2004 17:33

strange but true

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Jacques Roux
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Sep 1 2004 20:21

Not this story again roll eyes roll eyes

Yes - i think its just one of those things known commonly as a joke rather than a troll wink

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pingtiao
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Sep 1 2004 20:24

is this from the same story-book that notes the che guevara-dolphin-orgy?

WeTheYouth
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Sep 1 2004 20:40

roll eyes Ignore them, they will crawl back to a hole sooner or later.

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Steven.
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Sep 1 2004 22:37
pingtiao wrote:
is this from the same story-book that notes the che guevara-dolphin-orgy?

Ha! They mention the dolphin-fucking in Motorcycle diaries, although they don't actually show che do it.

So in your face.

WeTheYouth whaddya mean by that post?

Wayne
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Sep 1 2004 23:27
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That post is the best thing since the socialisation of industry in Catalonia. Man can we put that in Freedom?

Sorry, I’ve sold it to Fontana and Ken Loach wants to buy the film rights. He’s changed the plot a bit- it’s going to be set in a Scottish housing scheme where three unemployed railroad workers throw pies at each other to decide who should liberate Ireland with an enormous pot of Bovril.

Wayne
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Sep 1 2004 23:34

And here’s how they scored...

Mostly As (anti-social scum)- Brizzul, The person who burned the toy at the AYN summer gathering, Germans, Scarlett_Switchblade, Da_Orignal_Dissident, 3rdseason, Nechayev, BigDave, Bonnano, gangster, Lee Bowyer, T-Lay

Mostly Bs (Working class heroes) – Kidda, lets_make_a_stand, Ricky Tomlinson, Bonaventura Durruti, Dave Douglass, Andy Crap, Paul Marsh, Klasbatalmo, Arthur Scargill, the wee lad from Kes, The Blast, Butchers Apron, Bobby Sands, Nasty Ned, Liverpool, the cast of Rat Catcher, the CNT Vignole, Norwicher, Buy! Consume! Obey!, redy red, Geoff that used to run Byker Grove, Steve, Augusto_Sandino, Tommy Ascaso, the guy that does the Ronseal adverts

Mostly Cs (Tree huggers) – ywenot3?, Sabotabby, Earth First!, Captain Mission, Lucy82, The Anarchist Tension, the town of Eugene, rebel_lion, The Indigenous People of West Papua, Beanis, Statto, Toxic Tears, Uwa Indians, cantdocartwheels, that fucking starhawk or whatever her face is, caretaker, woundedhobo, button

Mostly Ds (posh boys) – Wheresmyshoes, Joe Black, Mark Thatcher, Revol68, George Monbiot, Bakunin, KnightRose, Karl Marx’s wife, Vaneigemapreciationclub, Ed, Chris Bamberry, Pingtiao, Steven., Luca Cassarini

Mostly As & Bs (anti-social working class heroes) – Generation Terrorist, Stalin, Revolt68, Old Git, Chairman Mao

MOstly As & Cs (anti-social hippies) –Ted Kazynski, Jon, Aum Shinrikyo, black bloc that smiley, nihilista, black_clad_messenger

Mostly Bs & Cs (hippies with a class analysis) – Zobag, October_Lost, Lazlo_Woodbine, Paul Pot

Mostly CDs (only in it for the music) – LiveFastDiarrea, wetheyouth, Pavarotti, the Peruvian band off the fast show

Reminder about forum etiquette –Steven., Rkn, Ed

Taking their ball and going home – Da_Original_Dissident, Victor Serge (both of them), Ywenot3?, Random, Wayne Rooney, Paula Radcliffe, olentxero, the Fourth International

Apologies to folk missed out.

Wayne
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Sep 1 2004 23:56

Please can someone get me out this rut I’m in? Fuck I’m pathetic, sitting here in my underwear, chain smoking as I drink £2.99 wine and pursue an imaginary cyber life to compensate for my loneliness and alienation. I have a lot of love to give!

Anonymous
Sep 1 2004 23:58

Cheers, Where do you fit in Wayne!

Wayne
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Sep 2 2004 00:23

Me? I've just worked out that they're showing 'Mean Streets' on ITV smile

sabotabby
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Sep 2 2004 10:40
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Me? I've just worked out that they're showing 'Mean Streets' on ITV

Yeah it's great but did anyone else in the Manchester area find they lost signal near the end?

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oh yeah and sabotabby just did the test and he got mostly c's! just the type of guy u'd wanting dating ur 16 year old daughter.

You know she was seventeen, eighteen in two months. I think Revol's projecting.

And I object to being described as a tree hugger.

star green black wink

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Jacques Roux
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Sep 2 2004 11:00

Wayne - your analysis is scarily accurate eek eek

I think we may have to start limiting your use of the boards so you can build up a personal profile of each user wink tongue

Lazlo_Woodbine
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Sep 2 2004 11:40
revol68 wrote:
troll? this is the best thing posted since captainmissions dissection of bigdaves brain.

What thread was that on?

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Steven.
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Sep 2 2004 12:11

people like authority i think i think...

Wayne
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Sep 2 2004 13:23

I just got a job, I just got a job, I'm not underclass scum anymore! Fucking blue collar, public transport for proletarian credibility, but only temporary so I can still winge about casualisation (before I inherit daddy's business next year). I'm a real proletarian. Fuck all you petit bourgeois, liberal middle class, underclass drop out wasters, fucking rich peasants. I am a working class hero. I am the working class.

Now that I've told everyone on Enrager about my new job, I'm going to tell my flatmates.

Wayne
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Sep 2 2004 16:03

Fucking right I'm excited, it's been a year. I tell you, the cheap Cava's flowing at our place, Sabo's almost floored already.

random
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Sep 2 2004 17:31
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Taking their ball and going home... Random

dunno what you mean. i got three each of a and c and four of b, but only coz i dont know who bakunin is. my favorite answer was "Peace is... something that needs to be given a chance" which probably makes me a bit of a hippy though.

Wayne
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Sep 3 2004 02:27

Random Sweetpea (and I'm calling u that in an ironic postmodern way so don't sweat), you only qualified for 'taking your ball and going home' 'cos you deleted all your posts on the old femuk boards. Nothing personal, this is a send up of everyone including myself, I mean however much I take the piss out of working class stereotypes I'm mainly B's. So what did you go B for?? Was it Gail Porter? In that case we definitely got something in common. Apart from anything else I reckon she'd be fun as. One time I was being innterviewed for some glossy mag, the journo had interviewed her the week before (we were busy) and said she was great craic. Any way, respect to you for taking part.

I am totally learning from Sabotabby by the way.

Back to the old Wayne... I went out to some working clarse discotheque the night where they played shan dance music I used to listen to in my youth. But it's OK cos I did it with a critique of the commodification of entertainment and healthy postmodern irony. Anyway, I got off with some lass for a cigarette (but in an ironic postmodern way). Fuck, I'm sure I used to be more marketable.

Wayne
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Sep 3 2004 02:50
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congratulations! i on the other hand don't need to lift a finger to get my money, daddy sends me £3000 a month and pays for my car upkeep

confused Are you in Vignole and did I use to go out with you or what? Miaow! not like the murpheys at all!

random
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Sep 3 2004 08:42

i did indeed go for gail porter. god im so obvious embarrassed

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Spartacus
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Sep 3 2004 17:34

anti-social working-class hero? awesome! black bloc

Vaneigemappreci...
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Sep 3 2004 19:51

A guy from RESPECT told me he was a revolutionary today!

In the same way that hitler was a philanthropist and George dubya a freedom fighter.

Worked on a production line making the most useless peices of commodity ever the other week, not one of my fellow work mates could grasp the intricacies of situationist theory!

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