'Dear Vice-Chancellor' - a porter's resignation letter

Dear Vice-Chancellor,

It is with great regret and a heavy heart that I will be unable to volunteer my time to assist in your celebrating with your Graduands as I am leaving the employ of the university after several years of displeasure at your dictatorial management style and ideological commitment to the systematic dismantling and privatisation of services built up over generations for the public good. Whilst these occasions bring the Sussex Community together, this is a community that you seem dedicated to destroying, and exhibit little more than cynical contempt for.

It is my sincere belief that your scheming will end in ruin. Your expertise as a manager seems to consist entirely of a strategy of intentionally 'failing to manage' (as perfectly exemplified by the circumstances surrounding the departure of the previous building manager of this residence, the losses catering was making and the shameful state of the accommodation in which you abandon your paying customers), as a pretext for privatising, followed by moving on, like a locust, before the full extent of the damage becomes apparent, and claiming kickbacks from new-found corporate buddies who are all too happy to support your applications for future executive roles destroying yet more public services.

Whilst I might be able to bring myself to behave in such a disgraceful and anti-social fashion for your kind of salary, I would be completely unable to sleep at night, and often wonder how you manage. Most parents teach their children to try and leave the world a better place then they found it, and it is a great shame that your parents apparently failed to impress this upon you strongly enough.

It is my considered opinion that you and your ilk are scum. My greatest misgiving in all of this is that it is the students who I was employed to protect, that will pay the price of your lies, deceit and stubborn refusal to give credence to any idea not handed down from your unseen masters.

I hope the student body have the good sense to make this campus entirely unmanageable for the remainder of your tenure here and I look forward to seeing the yellow squares, occupations, further unanimous votes of no confidence, and your eventual and inevitable failure, broadcast around the world for all to see.

Please, Michael, go and violate yourself brutally with a pineapple at the next opportunity and encourage the perjurer, John Duffy to do the same. Whilst this may not be standard gastroenterological practice, it is my firm belief that what is wrong with you is no small thing and extreme measures are called for; this spectacle would no doubt be a great cause for celebration for both Graduands, their families and Current Students (or 'Units' as you seem to prefer to call them on these occasions), alike.

I hope you will take these honest and sincere reflections to heart and respond appropriately.

Regards.

Jon C. (very soon-to-be-former East Slope Porter)
1/235 and a member of this community for over a decade