Transcripts of prank phone calls by MWR in the early 2000s, including to a confused Richard Branson.
Funnywump called up business tycoon Richard Branson on his mobile the other day. "To be honest the exchange would have been funnier if I could have heard a word the fucker said... he owns a mobile phone company, you'd have thought he could have got one that works."
Anyway, Wump calls RBs mobile but it's switched off, so he tries again later:
(beep, beep, crackle, crackle)
FW: Hi, Richard?
RB: Yes
FW: How are you?
RB: Yes (mumble, crackle)
FW: I'm phoning on behalf of McDonalds Workers Resistance, em, you're very much the happy smiling face of rampant capitalist greed...
RB: (crackled laugh)
FW: We were wondering if you'd like to donate to our cause?
RB: Sorry, who did you say you were?
FW: You've the memory of a gold fish, MWR, and the cause is the destruction of wage labour, one which I'm sure is very close to your heart
RB: I don't (mumble, crackle, mumble)
FW: What about shares in your beard?
RB HANGS UP
FW: Virgin
"it's over man, he's gone"
It went something like that anyway.
So, that didn't achieve anything but was a bit of a laugh.
The other week Webel phoned McDonald’s customer services: “I got some fucking menu but then I got through to a very pleasant sounding woman:
McWoman: Hi, how can I help?
Webel: [in aged, exasperated, snobby voice] Yes, I am wondering that myself. I visit McDonalds a lot, sometimes six or seven times a week, I spend hours there, and recently I became very dissatisfied.
McWoman: Yes...
Webel: I was at your store on @*!£$£# Street in Glasgow.
McWoman: Hang on, I’ll just enter that (...) is that *%£$## ?
Webel: Yes.
McWoman: And can I ask when you visited?
Webel: Well I seem to be there half my waking life [laughs]
McWoman: [Laughs]
Webel: But I want to talk particularly about my time at the store yesterday.
McWoman: Yes, can you remember what time yesterday?
Webel: Really as soon as I entered the place, about 11:00
McWoman: Okay, so what happened?
Webel: Well I was shouted at by a manager.
McWoman: [pause] Shouted at?
Webel: Yes, by a manger.
McWoman: Like... spoken to aggressively? Unpleasantly?
Webel: Yes.
McWoman: [furious typing noise]
Webel: And I was told that I couldn’t have the food I wanted. I had requested a vegetable burger without mayonnaise, but I was informed that I had to eat something that had already been made!
McWoman: [Laughs politely] Oh dear. [Furious typing]
Webel: I’m a vegan.
McWoman: Pardon?
Webel: A vegan.
McWoman: Oh, a vegan, right I see [furious typing]
Webel: I asked for a drink of water...
McWoman: Yes
Webel: But I was told it was too busy.
McWoman: Too busy?
Webel: Yes!
McWoman: [long pause] Dear, it sounds like you’ve really had a bad experience.
Webel: Yes, but to add insult to it all, the manager made derogatory comments about my appearance.
McWoman: [pause] comments about your appearance?
Webel: Yes, because I wasn’t clean shaven.
McWoman: [furious typing] is this the same manager who spoke to you aggressively?
Webel: Yes.
McWoman: What was his name?
Webel: I don’t know, he didn’t introduce himself, he spoke to me like I was a machine.
McWoman: Right, yes. Can you give me a description?
Webel: Big, sour, not pretty.
McWoman: [furious typing] Big as in tall?
Webel: Yes. And I saw in the kitchen and a number of elementary hygiene procedures were not being followed.
McWoman: er... can you give me an example?
Webel: I saw people picking food off the ground.
McWoman: [long pause] OK, you definitely saw that in the kitchen?
Webel: yes!
McWoman: I mean certainly that is something we take extremely seriously, I really, em, yes everything you’ve mentioned we take very seriously, and we will certainly look into your complaint and attempt to verify it. Er... I mean, if verified...
Webel: I just feel you don’t really care...
McWoman: [pause] No, this, if verified, you know it does sound very serious if verified. We take all customer feed back very seriously.
Webel: Customer? No you misunderstand me, I was working there...
McWoman: [silence]
Webel: Thanks for your time [hangs up]
So that achieved nothing but was a bit of a laugh. In particular we hope that the nice woman got a break from the indescribable monotony of listening to people droning on about their burger experiences. Working in call centres is always shit, we can only imagine what it must be like to work in a call centre run by McDonalds. Solidarity with our comrades on the phones! And Webel says that if the nice woman ever reads this, could she get in touch?
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